The Story of Noah

Our Noah was the most beautiful and perfect thing we have ever seen. We would have done anything to have him alive on this earth with us. There is an emptiness that I feel in my heart and one I think will always be there. My heart aches so much. But in this sadness we have hope. We are not sure how it came about, but it just seems that somehow someone wanted to give it to us. I am going to describe events that have transpired since Noah started to come into this world but never made it, but is with us now always looking over us.

As I wrote about a couple of entries ago, we had started to herbal induce. It did work, we woke up around 2:30am that night when Sharon’s water broke. We were nervous, it seemed there was too much blood with it also. However Noah seemed to be moving and doing alright. It was around 4:30am and we woke up to check him again, Sharon was still bleeding but after consulting our mid-wife, it did not seem out of the ordinary. So we went back to sleep because we knew we were in for long day. Around 6:30am Sharon woke up, scared, she felt something was wrong. I could no longer hear his heartbeat, or feel him move. We were panicked. We called the mid-wife and rushed to her, she could not find a heartbeat either. Something was terribly wrong, we rushed into the hospital, the nurse tried so hard to find signs of life in little Noah. He always had such a strong heart like his daddy, I knew when they could not hear it, he was no longer with us. The worst thing had happened, we had lost our little boy :( How could it be we thought, he was MEANT to be, he survived so many obstacles already, he was healthy just a day ago on ultrasound. Our sweet sweet boy. We cried uncontrollably, everyone in the room cried. They grabbed the ultrasound machine to make for sure he was gone. And there we saw it on the screen, his little heart was no longer beating…

We made calls to family to tell them of our tragic morning, they all wailed. Everyone had been so looking forward to meeting Noah. This never entered into anyone’s minds. How could God do this to us. So many hearts broke and mourned for little Noah that morning, I had not realized how many would be touched by him already.

Then the panic really set in! We were going to have to still deliver him. How could we make it through these while sooo sad inside. How could I ever gather the strength to see him. “I will never get the image of my dead son out of my head” I thought. I really did not think I could do it. But I knew I had to, I had to be a father and get strong for him and Sharon. What if he was looking down and saw his father not be able to look at him or hold him, he would be crushed.

The time seemed to be going so slow, Sharon’s progress was not going anywhere fast. She took forever to get to 6cm dilated. She was so incredible through all this. Finally it got to that magic point, fully dilated. Time for the pushing.

I could tell Sharon was scared, not knowing how she would manage, but as if perfectly timed the mid-wife came back in and then one by one her doulas and assistants showed up and they instantly gave Sharon a surge of strength. The seemed to lift everyone up as if angels had just walked into the room to help Sharon through it.

Sharon continued like a champ, so inspiring. After two hours of pushing Noah was delivered into this world without a sound. So peaceful, so beautiful. We were so taken with emotion, so overcome but I knew this was the time to be strong, to be a father. I got to cut the cord and then they handed Noah to me and I took him over and layed him down on Sharon’s chest. We hugged him as a family. It was a magical moment. We loved him the instant we saw him. He looked so perfect as if he were just sleeping, we kept waiting and praying a miracle would happen and he would take a breath and open his eyes for us to see them. But that was not to be, he was no longer with us in that state.

I will never forget the time I spent with him as I held him and rocked him in while wrapped in the Noah’s Ark blanket we got as a gift. His smell was so rich and incredible, I inhaled the sweet scent as much as I could, taking it deep in me as if to imprint him in my mind forever. The smell was almost like Jasmine and I did imprint it on my brain as I can imagine it as I write this.

I could not believe that the first thing I had to do as a father, was the worst thing you could do as a father, say goodbye to your child. We eventually had to let him go, it was so difficult I have no words to explain it.

There is an organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (weblink) , that was contacted and came to professionally photograph him for us. The girl, Angela, took lots of shots, she got such beautiful, and amazing shots. I have a gallery set up if you would like to see more of our beautiful Noah (weblink)

We stayed in the hospital through to the next day. I went home to get a few things and walk the dogs in between. They seemed so sad when I came home, they did not even jump off the bed and rush to greet me which is very rare. They just sat there with their heads low and tails down. So sad, they just knew something bad happened. Amazing how dogs just sense things.

I must take a moment to thank everyone who helped in the delivery room. The nurses were incredible, all of them. Dr. Maher is such a good soul, it was an honor to have him deliver little Noah for us. Vicky the mid-wife was irreplaceable, Elizabeth, Marla, Colleen, Monica and of course our Alice. There was so much compassion and support. We are truly in awe of the kind human spirit that was shown throughout that day. We are forever grateful.

This story is both uplifting and sad. I am sorry for the emotional roller coaster I have been taking people on. The level of sadness in this entry will be matched with an equal level of hope in the next entry, so if you read this entry. I ask you to please check back and read “the rest of the story” :)

to be continued…