Author: Randy

I realized I have not explained what happened and why Noah did not make it. From what the doctors and midwife can figure out is that, while everything was developing, the placenta, the cord and Noah, they did not develop properly. For whatever reason the placenta did not function as well as it should, which caused Noah to steal as much nutrients as he could and that left less for the cord. While the cord did transfer blood alright, the walls of it did not become think and strong. So when Noah descended into the pelvis, the cord which rested across his shoulder got pinched between him and the pelvis. It continued to push some nutrients across but eventually ruptured. We had no way of knowing his was in distress since contractions had not started yet and the mid-wife thought everything was fine, until Sharon kept bleeding. By this time it was too late no matter what happened, little Noah who grew so big and strong against the odds, could not overcome this obstacle.

Having said all of that I want to get on to events that transpired later that have given Sharon and I the gift to keep going on, the gift we all know as Hope.

The first feeling of it was when I began smelling Noah’s scent at random times and places, walking the dogs, in the shower, shopping. The most vivid was during his service.

I had received a coin with Noah engraved on it and a poem about having someone looking over me on the back side. It was from our friend and neighbor Deb. She gave it to me a month or so before Noah was to be born. I treasured it, I never want to be without it. When unloading stuff from the van for the service I got the scent of Noah, that sweet smell like Jasmine, and paused what I was doing. I transported to a different place and time for a brief moment. As quickly as it came, the smell disappeared. I reached into my pocket to touch the coin but it was not there. I had changed pants before leaving and forgot to grab it. I panicked, I HAD to have it for his service. Quickly I called Kevin to go back to my house and get the coin, but forever reason he was already there. He thought he was to meet me there for some reason. He then went and got the coin for me and brought it to me.

I felt much better, the coin for whatever reason seems to give me strength. I plan on getting it on a necklace to wear so there is less chance to lose it, as I am notorious for losing things.

I find myself craving to smell him again, I try to make myself recall the scent. His Noah’s Ark blanket that we wrapped him in still has his smell and I love to just go and hold it and refresh that imprint in my mind. I hope never to lose that scent. I have a bar of soap a client/friend of mine, Priya, gave to us as a gift and it smells just like him. I love it. I joke with Sharon that I want to buy a couple of cases of it so I never forget. But I know I won’t. Whenever I get the scent it will all come back to me.

Also wouldn’t you know it, on that day of the service driving there i spotted a lone shoe in the road. I have not been able to get back and get the photo yet and pray it will still be there.

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who came to Noah’s service, and especially those that helped bring it to life. We really would not be able to get through this without everyone!

Please note that this story is just the beginning of what has given us hope, I have several more “happenings” that I will share but it just takes time to write them, so again, please have patience if the next is not written yet, it will be in a day or so.

Our Noah was the most beautiful and perfect thing we have ever seen. We would have done anything to have him alive on this earth with us. There is an emptiness that I feel in my heart and one I think will always be there. My heart aches so much. But in this sadness we have hope. We are not sure how it came about, but it just seems that somehow someone wanted to give it to us. I am going to describe events that have transpired since Noah started to come into this world but never made it, but is with us now always looking over us.

As I wrote about a couple of entries ago, we had started to herbal induce. It did work, we woke up around 2:30am that night when Sharon’s water broke. We were nervous, it seemed there was too much blood with it also. However Noah seemed to be moving and doing alright. It was around 4:30am and we woke up to check him again, Sharon was still bleeding but after consulting our mid-wife, it did not seem out of the ordinary. So we went back to sleep because we knew we were in for long day. Around 6:30am Sharon woke up, scared, she felt something was wrong. I could no longer hear his heartbeat, or feel him move. We were panicked. We called the mid-wife and rushed to her, she could not find a heartbeat either. Something was terribly wrong, we rushed into the hospital, the nurse tried so hard to find signs of life in little Noah. He always had such a strong heart like his daddy, I knew when they could not hear it, he was no longer with us. The worst thing had happened, we had lost our little boy 🙁 How could it be we thought, he was MEANT to be, he survived so many obstacles already, he was healthy just a day ago on ultrasound. Our sweet sweet boy. We cried uncontrollably, everyone in the room cried. They grabbed the ultrasound machine to make for sure he was gone. And there we saw it on the screen, his little heart was no longer beating…

We made calls to family to tell them of our tragic morning, they all wailed. Everyone had been so looking forward to meeting Noah. This never entered into anyone’s minds. How could God do this to us. So many hearts broke and mourned for little Noah that morning, I had not realized how many would be touched by him already.

Then the panic really set in! We were going to have to still deliver him. How could we make it through these while sooo sad inside. How could I ever gather the strength to see him. “I will never get the image of my dead son out of my head” I thought. I really did not think I could do it. But I knew I had to, I had to be a father and get strong for him and Sharon. What if he was looking down and saw his father not be able to look at him or hold him, he would be crushed.

The time seemed to be going so slow, Sharon’s progress was not going anywhere fast. She took forever to get to 6cm dilated. She was so incredible through all this. Finally it got to that magic point, fully dilated. Time for the pushing.

I could tell Sharon was scared, not knowing how she would manage, but as if perfectly timed the mid-wife came back in and then one by one her doulas and assistants showed up and they instantly gave Sharon a surge of strength. The seemed to lift everyone up as if angels had just walked into the room to help Sharon through it.

Sharon continued like a champ, so inspiring. After two hours of pushing Noah was delivered into this world without a sound. So peaceful, so beautiful. We were so taken with emotion, so overcome but I knew this was the time to be strong, to be a father. I got to cut the cord and then they handed Noah to me and I took him over and layed him down on Sharon’s chest. We hugged him as a family. It was a magical moment. We loved him the instant we saw him. He looked so perfect as if he were just sleeping, we kept waiting and praying a miracle would happen and he would take a breath and open his eyes for us to see them. But that was not to be, he was no longer with us in that state.

I will never forget the time I spent with him as I held him and rocked him in while wrapped in the Noah’s Ark blanket we got as a gift. His smell was so rich and incredible, I inhaled the sweet scent as much as I could, taking it deep in me as if to imprint him in my mind forever. The smell was almost like Jasmine and I did imprint it on my brain as I can imagine it as I write this.

I could not believe that the first thing I had to do as a father, was the worst thing you could do as a father, say goodbye to your child. We eventually had to let him go, it was so difficult I have no words to explain it.

There is an organization, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (weblink) , that was contacted and came to professionally photograph him for us. The girl, Angela, took lots of shots, she got such beautiful, and amazing shots. I have a gallery set up if you would like to see more of our beautiful Noah (weblink)

We stayed in the hospital through to the next day. I went home to get a few things and walk the dogs in between. They seemed so sad when I came home, they did not even jump off the bed and rush to greet me which is very rare. They just sat there with their heads low and tails down. So sad, they just knew something bad happened. Amazing how dogs just sense things.

I must take a moment to thank everyone who helped in the delivery room. The nurses were incredible, all of them. Dr. Maher is such a good soul, it was an honor to have him deliver little Noah for us. Vicky the mid-wife was irreplaceable, Elizabeth, Marla, Colleen, Monica and of course our Alice. There was so much compassion and support. We are truly in awe of the kind human spirit that was shown throughout that day. We are forever grateful.

This story is both uplifting and sad. I am sorry for the emotional roller coaster I have been taking people on. The level of sadness in this entry will be matched with an equal level of hope in the next entry, so if you read this entry. I ask you to please check back and read “the rest of the story” 🙂

to be continued…

This is a tough entry to write. I write it heavy hearted. As many of you know we lost our sweet baby Noah during his birth 🙁 🙁 🙁

We have been really humbled and uplifted by the outpouring of love and support from so many friends and we want to thank you all for what you have done.

There is an amazing story that will be told about the circumstances surrounding the miracle we call Baby Noah. And in the upcoming days I expect to be able to write that amazing story for everyone to read but right now I do not have the fortitude.

Thanks again, and please realize we lost baby Noah from this world, but we did not lose his spirit, he is right here with us. And as you will find out, he has let us know that, very bluntly 🙂 🙂

Well it is now 8 days past Noah’s expected arrival date. We went for an ultrasound and a bio-physical profile yesterday and Noah passed with flying colors. So that bought us another week to have him come naturally. But we have some natural ways to push things along.

Our mid-wife gave us a recipe involving black cohosh, blue cohosh and pennyroyal, with a final rinse down with castor oil mixed with a rootbeer float 🙂 So we did it all and started playing the waiting game again. So stayed tuned if that doesnt work we do it all over again in two days.

On a note other than baby talk. I started writing the Volume 2 of the One Shoe Diaries. I am pretty excited about it, this time will the same story telling, but focused more on our friends and family. Many of you that read this will probably make it into the book in some way. Should be ready to be published sometime late October.

Anytime Noah. ANYTIME!!………

Did I fool you with the pic? No. Thats not Noah 🙁 The due date has come and gone and Noah seems to not be wanting to come out into this world! Maybe it is the gas prices that scare him, the crime going crazy, the economy crashing or maybe the wars and hurricanes scare him? I can’t blame him, this world is pretty crazy. But perhaps he was sent to save us. Okay probably not, but he could make a difference somehow and it is our job to raise him so he has the tools to reach his potential, whatever that may be. But I digress.

Growing up in Loveland, a small Ohio town, I had the opportunity to make many friends, some for life. One friend I had that I was best friend’s with for several years, Chad, I lost track of for a bit after high school. I knew he attended Pratt School of Design, I saw his parents a couple times when i went home. My mom saw his sister one day and reminded me I need to contact him. Well I did finally meet up for a brief time in Cincy this past Christmas with his wife who was pregnant at the time. They already had one precious little girl whom we met. We had a nice time catching up and it sparked us to stay in touch. Little did I know how parallel our paths were going to be.

Come to find out Sharon was almost the same point in her pregnancy as his wife. Which we did not know at the time because we were in denial 🙂 They too planned on using a mid-wife and doing everything natural like we are. But they were too far from a hospital so they did not opt for home birth. And she too went past her due date, 10 days past! We are looking to be on that timeframe as well 🙁 Chad and Ann just were blessed with another baby girl yesterday, Isobel Francis Borke. Chad sent me the most precious photo of her, she is a gorgeous baby, she just looks so innocent and precious in the photo. I realize it is just a camera phone image, but it is a great shot!

I cannot wait until I can share Noah with everyone, you can bet I will be taking lots of pics so stay tuned as usual. He has to come out sometime!!!

We got some really good news yesterday. Previously Sharon’s body, primarily the placenta, was not functioning properly. On a scale of 10 it received a 4 🙁 And the amniotic fluid levels were below normal. This gave red flags to our midwife and OB, causing them to decide that unless things improve the baby will need to be delivered in the hospital.

But after our most recent ultrasound, the placenta scored an impressive 9 out of 10!! And her fluid increased dramatically. We attribute this to two things. Her drinking more water than we thought humanly possible, causing us to pursue a water delivery service. And the second being her upping of Ambrotrose. Which is product that is a story for another time.

Maybe even someone smiled down on us as we asked for help. Doesnt matter, what ever it was, it was a small miracle for us.
So now we just let little Noah grow in there until he is good and ready to come out 🙂

Stay Tuned….

Update: We have gone again for ultrasound and stress test. All is still good. Little Noah seems happy and is growing normally. But we did find out that they do not expect Noah to come on his due date. He looks like he might be a week or so late 🙁 Gives us more time to prepare I guess, but we are pretty much ready to have him now. Sharon thought maybe she was going into labor about a week ago, which sent us into a panic. We were not prepared at that time. SO we immediately got into the van and went to the store to stock our fridge. We also set up the birthing tub which we have since put back away. I guess he will come when he is ready. It makes sense that he is taking a little longer because he was growing kinda slow. We can’t wait to meet him. Sharon is getting a little impatient though, and wants to be no longer with child in her 🙂 It almost seems done by design, that a pregnancy is just long enough that a woman is just ready to get her baby out, even if it means going through labor. They are just that sick of being pregnant 🙂

On another note, I have a friend who’s wife is also due at this time, Chad. He was a great friend of mine growing up. We had a lot of fun together and just recently reconnected. Had we had time last year around this time we were planning to visit him in Rhode Island, but plans fell through. He and his wife are very much like Sharon and I. They do things very natural. Do not eat red meat, or any meat that much. They buy organic and eco friendly products. Believe in holistic medicine. I wish they were closer as it would be nice to have a couple like them to ad to our circle of already great friends to hang out with and support each other in our beliefs.

So once again stayed tuned, one of these days I will be writing a blog and showing you pics of Noah outside the womb…

As you well know if you have been following us we are planning on having Noah at home, well mother nature has her own plans maybe. It seems there is a possibility we may have to have Noah at the hospital. We can still do everything natural and with our mid-wife, just need to have everything well monitored. This is because Noah’s growth is not where it needs to be, he is a little small according to the normal scale. He started out at 27% in relation to other babies, fell to 11% and is now sitting in the 4th percentage of size after our latest ultrasound. When they told us I could see the heartbreak come across Sharon’s face when the realization hit that he might be in trouble and need to be born in the hospital.

The problem they believe is the placenta is not functioning efficiently enough. It is not transferring enough nutrients over to Noah as he is getting bigger and requiring more now than he did throughout the pregnancy. This is fairly common at the end of pregnancies they say.

“If his growth rate drops any more, we need to get him out” Dr. Maher said. HUh?!?! “What does that mean?” I asked. Thinking the worst… a c-section 🙁 But he re-assured us, he just meant we would induce and get him out naturally. Just not at home.

But now if his growth rate does not drop much and he is gaining weight still (which he grew over a pound in two weeks already) we may still be on track. We just need to have him be 6 pounds on ultrasound so he is for sure over the legal weight for a home birth. But there is one more issue. Amniotic fluid. It is running low, which is another sign the placenta is not keeping up.

We are going to stay positive because we know the power of positive thinking. Which essentially is on par with prayers. So maybe the power of prayer rings true to me more these days. We have gotten all of our supplies for home birth lined up ready to go. Noah, if you can hear us, “just hang in there and just get bigger still for a couple more weeks okay buddy”

Note: When sterilizing towels and such in an oven, do not let the paper bag touch the top of the oven as it will ignite.

Sharon is now at 36 weeks, we just need to make it one more week until we are cleared for a home birth. Although we do have one obstacle in our way that could stop us. Noah’s size is not as big as the mid wife would like him to be 🙁 He is currently in the 11th percentile on the growth scale. He’s just little. From what we can discern from the Dr. and midwife is that the placenta just cannot deliver enough nutrients to him. However when they do all the stress tests and such he gets an 8 out of 8 on the scale. Which is perfect, so it does indicate even though he is small, he is not in distress at this point, he seems to be a happy camper in there. As a precaution though we are to have weekly ultrasounds and tests done to monitor his growth and level of stress.

My feeling on all of this is that since Sharon is a vegetarian who just eats seafood, maybe the scale of what is normal is skewed a bit towards babies whose mothers eat abnormally during pregnany when it comes to protein and calories. We are a nation of overweight people and babies so how can we compare babies sizes really? Noah in my opinion is very healthy in there, just not a big baby. Sharon was little when born, I was little, maybe it runs in the family. Maybe I have no idea what I talking about because I am not a nutritionist/doctor/scientist 🙂 🙂

I just want to remain positive. Worrying and adding stress is only detrimental at this point. I just have a gut feeling he is alright. He has already beat many odds just to exist. He was meant to be. Sharon and I, against what we always thought, are meant to be parents. Everything will work out. And in the end, if for some reason we do not get a home birth, hell I was born in a hospital and I seem “fine” and I bet most of you out there were born in hospitals and survived, it just is not what we really want but the health of Noah is THE most important thing.

Well I am really starting to get suspicious. I realize also that this is quite (big word alert) narcissistic but I am beginning to believe someone in Pensacola is picking up all of the lost shoes around here.

There have been numerous instances where I have passed a shoe up and not gotten the photo for whatever reason, running late, bad spot to stop and so forth, with the intention to come back to it later and get the shot. Much like I have done for a long time. Well normally when a shoe is lost it stays lost for some time so there is never the worry that it will not be still there in a day or so. No big deal to pass one up. But that has not been the case lately here in Pensacola. Those shoes I have been passing up have been disappearing!!!! I would say almost 8 -10 shoes so far. So what I have been having to do, is either make myself stop and get the shot, or come back asap! I think I have been a step ahead lately as I have been getting the shoe photos and finding those shoes gone in a day or so.

I do recall a teenager tell me at one of my exhibitions here in town that he loved my project and has somewhat “borrowed” my idea. Which is not a problem, just stop taking my lost soles off the damn road!!!!! If it is you of course, and if you even read this blog. Not really sure anyone does but me anyway. i know Sharon doesn’t. I like to think that is because she lives it all first hand, or hears me tell the stories, and not because this blog bores here 🙂

Well it has been a while since I last blogged, I am going to start blogging more as we get closer to the birth of our first (and last 🙂 child, Noah. I just think if for no other reason than for him to read someday, I should start documenting his first years of life on this earth.

And those many that know us, know we do not do things like the rest of the world. Sharon and I kinda march to our own beat so to speak. So it should come to no surprise to you that we are not having this child in a hospital, but rather the traditional at-home-birth method, via a mid-wife. This is for several reasons, but most of all, we want to ease Noah into this world in the relaxed, nurturing environment of our home. As opposed to the almost violent and cold hospital environment. While we think this is the best method, it by no means is implying that everyone who gives birth in a hospital did something wrong. You should did what you thought at the time was the best for your child. And that is all anyone can ask. But please if you are getting ready to have a child, or planning to have one. Take a VERY close look into the practices and procedures of OB/GYNs. They are surgeons. They live in a very clinical world where humans behaving humanly is an inconvenience to them. Please if you get a chance watch the documentary “The Business of Birth” by Ricki Lake. It gives a very real and eye-opening look into the world of child birth. Another good one is “What Babies Want” by Noah Wyle. You owe it to yourself and your child to take these few hours to research and then make whatever decision you want to make. At least then you will see both sides and be well informed. We watch these videos per the advice/teaching of our doula friend, Elizabeth Taylor. She is an amazing person, her soul is very alive and bright. She has been a very positive energy in this birthing process.

So to that note, we are going to keep everyone up to date on how this whole home birth goes. We plan on having a birthing tub, but when it gets going, who knows where Sharon will feel most comfortable at the moment of birth.

We are not going completely blind through all of this without modern medicine. There are great tools and technology we plan to take advantage of. Specifically ultrasound. We want to know what is going on in there and if little Noah is progressing well. Thankfully, he is incubating just fine in there. He is a little on the small side of normal, but so were Sharon and I so it is perfectly normal for babies in our families. And if anything should go wrong during birth, then that is where the OB/GYNs excel. They are great when there needs to be intervention. We could not live without modern medicine at times. We just believe that doctors and hospitals are for trauma, not for normal healthy human functions such as births. That just is not there forte in our opinion.

So I guess little Noah will be the majority of my blogging subject for the next 18 years or so. But as the RV lifestyle was a journey, so is parenthood. There will be twists and turns, forks in the road, speed bumps, smooth highways, chewed up detours and ups and downs, I just hope we can just can the wheels on and always moving forward 🙂